Monty Python and the Holy Grail






ARTHUR
Whoa there!








SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR peers through the mist.
CUT TO shot from over his shoulder: castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen.
He peers down.












































SOLDIER


Halt! Who goes there?























ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
of all England!





































Pause.






















SOLDIER
Pull the other one
















ARTHUR
I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.








































SOLDIER
What? Ridden on a horse?























ARTHUR
Yes






















SOLDIER
You're using coconuts!






























ARTHUR
...What?






















SOLDIER
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
them together.










































ARTHUR
(Scornfully)
So? . . . We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea. Through...



















SOLDIER
Where did you get the coconuts?

























ARTHUR
We found them.


















SOLDIER
Found them?
In Mercea?

The coconut's tropical!












































ARTHUR
What do you mean?












SOLDIER
Well, this is a temperate zone.



















ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers
to our land.
















SOLDIER
Are you suggesting
coconuts migrate?


























ARTHUR
Not at all.
They could be carried.



















SOLDIER
What? A swallow carrying
a coconut?















ARTHUR
Why not?




SOLDIER
I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut
under a pound.



















































ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk












SOLDIER
It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut.


































ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.









































A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.



























SOLDIER
Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings fourty three times every second. right?


































ARTHUR
(irritated)
Please!












SOLDIER
Am I right?














ARTHUR
I'm not interested.


















SECOND SOLDIER

(who has loomed up on the battlements)
It could be carried by an African swallow!































FIRST SOLDIER
Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European swallow, that's my point.



























SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yeah, I agree with that ...






























ARTHUR
(losing patience)
Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights of Camelot?!




















FIRST SOLDIER
But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.




























SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes.




















ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn and go off into the mist.




























FIRST SOLDIER
So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.












































SECOND SOLDIER
Wait a minute!
Suppose two swallows carried it together?




























FIRST SOLDIER
No, they'd have to have it on a line.





































Stillness. Silence again.